I am often asked the question: “Why do nice people end up in relationships where they are treated badly? – It just doesn’t seem fair!”

The “Bad Boy” or “Bad Girl” syndrome is something that at some point in time most of us have either experienced, been or still are – and we definitely all know someone who has lived through the pain, frustration and sense of emotional betrayal that comes with being involved with this type of “unemotionally available” person.

What I mean by this is that they are available (or say they are) for a relationship however, they are emotionally not available. For a loving lasting relationship (one that is healthy and mutually giving) you need what I call “fair exchange”. This in basic terms is looking out for the other person as much as you look out for yourself.

 Male or Female, I call these people – the “High Maintenance Lovers”

The sad thing, about being in a relationship with this type of person, is that you will find yourself continually doing things or saying things, to try and validate yourself as a “nice person”. You will go out of your way to do things for them that you may not have done for other’s in past relationships, all in the hope that they will “notice you” for the wonderful, kind, caring and loving person that you are. Unfortunately, the harder you try – the worse they treat you.

Doesn’t make a lot of sense really, does it? – Well, actually it does and here are just a few of the reasons why.

If you think about it, at some point of time, you have actually done the same thing to other people. Cast your memory back to the last “really nice”, caring person you met that you knew was attracted to you. You thought they were lovely: however, they just didn’t do it for you. They didn’t create that “spark” that you felt you wanted.

So what makes you gravitate to being with someone who has a reputation of serving their own needs in life, at the emotional expense of those around them? The truth behind this dilemma comes from your past experiences so, let’s you and I together, explore some of the reasons why?

Let’s look at some of the dynamics of what attraction really is: when we are growing up we are taught the tools of how to relate to others by watching and listening, to the parental role models in our lives. Good, bad or indifferent – we don’t know any other way to behave unless, we explore our inner-selves, and that takes wanting to learn and doing things differently than we have in the past.

 “The Bad Boys”

Let’s pick the girls first – don’t worry guy’s we will get to you in a minute.

If the paternal parent or role model for a little girl was absent most of the time - say he was a workaholic, or emotionally or even physically unavailable – then little girls will strive to seek that attention they desperately need from him.

Little girls learn how to relate to the men in their lives as potential partners by what they have learnt from their paternal role models.

This is why women who have had abusive fathers gravitate to either physically or emotionally abusive men. Good behavior or bad doesn’t matter the need for validation and acknowledgement is so strong that it will continue into the more mature adult years.

Feelings of worthlessness and never being good enough and a constant feeling of a lack of connection and the fear of uncertainty will be strong subconscious key factors in the type of partner she will pick – enter: “The Bad Boys” or “The Emotionally Unavailable Men”. Even though she will consciously want a nice guy – her conditioning or subconscious patters will not allow this unless she is aware of these patterns and does some serious work to change them.

“The Bad Girls”

Okay Boy’s – it’s your turn now:

As with little girls – little boys learn how to relate to women via the maternal roles models they have or haven’t had in their lives. If a little boy has a mother who is nagging, demanding, controlling and will get her own way at all costs – then this is the type of woman he will subconsciously seek as a partner in life. He can’t help it – because he doesn’t know any other way.

The other key factor for little boys is observing how his paternal role model treats his mother. If she is servile and weak and will self sacrifice at all cost for her husband and family – then this is the type of woman he will gravitate to as an adult.

In reality he may want a really “nice girl” because on a conscious level he’s sick of the drama this type of woman brings into his life - however, on a subconscious level “nice girls” don’t fire the adrenaline that makes your heart pound as it did when you were growing up with anger, frustration and even fear of your mother’s behavior – “nice girls” don’t induce the adrenaline, they are sweet, but to you they are boring. Enter: “The Bad Girl” or “The Emotional High Maintenance Girl”.

I have only briefly touched on this subject with you – however, I hope it gives you a better understanding of “The Bad Boy” or “The Bad Girl” Syndrome – in the end of the day they are “High Maintenance Lovers”. The great thing is – once you workout what patterns you have created in your life for the type of person you are attracting – you can change it and it really is your choice if you wish to play in this field – it’s always up to you because it’s your life and no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.

Have you dated a bad boy or a bad girl?

Smiles to you as always,

Yvonne Rice