Exposing The Myths Of MidLife Dating | 229 Views
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Posted : Monday, Nov 1, 2010 - Jim Rogers
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In the realm of midlife dating, there seems to be a series of myths that permeate the conscious (and often, unconscious) awareness of those who find themselves longing to leave the state of ‘singledom’ in midlife.
These myths tend to sideline many seemingly wonderful relationships that never get the opportunity to establish, simply because fulfilling the myth is what drives the efforts of so many who are searching for their match.
Whatbrought these myths into being? The reason for the myths has to do with the developmental stage that we’re in (midlife), emotional immaturity, and errant ‘pop psychology’ that has been popularized over the past 10 and more years. However, if we take a little time to examine them in greater detail we will understand the fallacy of the myths that have so pervaded our searches for love in midlife.
The Developmental Stage of Midlife
At this point in life, for the first time our mortality squarely stares us down. No longer do we feel immortal or invincible as we did in our twenties and thirties. Our parents’ health is beginning to change and fail, if they aren’t already gone. The comforts of our childhood are now something that many of us begin to seek again. The myths that we believed as children… that of the knight, the beautiful princess, and living ‘happily ever after’ all come to the fore in our subconscious. Add to that the fact that many of us have unprocessed and unhealed wounds that date back to our childhoods, and you have the beginnings of an understanding concerning what so many of us face as we look for love yet once again.
Since the ‘comforting ways of our childhood’ have come back to us in midlife, the notion of myths has resumed its’ place with so many of us in the form of midlife dating myths. The four most popularly accepted myths follow below.
The Myths of Midlife Dating
The four prevalent myths in midlife dating are:
1. The myth of the ‘Perfect Match.’
2. The myth of ‘The One.’
3. The myth of ‘Soulmates.’
4. The myth of the ‘Old couple walking together in the park.’
The Myth of the ‘Perfect Match’
As human beings we are by definition, imperfect. So many have come to believe that relationships that are healthy and loving have no conflict in them whatsoever. When one holds to this myth, they are in for a lonely surprise because this myth is a simple lie. While there is no ‘perfect match’ for anyone, there are those who are more appropriate and less appropriate matches for us. If we know who we are, what qualities we look for in another, understand how we perceive and give love, and have healed our major wounds from the past, we are then equipped to begin to participate in a relationship of a healthy, loving nature. Yet, we still need to be realistic about life and understand that life comes with difficulties, whether we are single or part of a couple.
The Myth of ‘The One’
Pop psychology had perpetrated this myth on us. The fact that there is only one match for each of us is utter nonsense. If there were only one for us and that ‘one’ lives in another place in the world, we’re sunk. This is yet another myth that is an out and out lie.
What this myth does is take any responsibility of choice away from those who hold fast to it and keep them in their insanity, doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.
Those who are healed and mature understand that there are many possibilities for us to match with in life. It takes self awareness, understanding what to look for in others, time to discern before engaging your heart, and the ability to communicate from the heart to find an appropriate match. The myth of ‘the one’ keeps many from acquiring these skills since holding this myth means that they will somehow stumble into that ‘one’ someday.
That myth creates either a very lonely, or a very painful, chaotic life for many.
The Myth of ‘Soulmates’
Soulmates has become a buzzword that so few take the time to understand. The belief, as a result of this myth, is that your soulmate will never do anything to disappoint, hurt, or in any other way bring harm or discord to you. There is nothing farther from the truth. People do not come to us pre-tested and shrink-wrapped with a users manual. More often than not, they come to us broken in some way, frightened and in pain… on the inside.
This myth is based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the concept of soulmates.
If you’re blessed enough to do the work of healing from your past, you will find someone who is truly a soulmate… or more accurately, a mated soul. However, once that happens, as the song says, you’ve ‘only just begun’. A true soulmate is someone who is here to facilitate the deeper healing that only happens inside the confines of a close, loving, committed, personal relationship.
The reason that so many don’t ‘feel’ that someone is their ‘soulmate’ is that they don’t understand this; your true soulmate will push every button you have because that is one of their functions in life. That creates the power struggle stage and once you move through that stage, having healed your deeper wounds along with your partner, you find the real love that you were hoping to find all along.
The Myth of ‘The Old Couple Walking Together in the Park’
This myth paints such a lovely picture of two who have been with one another throughout life. However, more often than not, this is a romantic notion or a simple illusion. What this myth fails to take into consideration is that those who love one another deeply in their golden years have either; 1) not been together all that long, or 2) have more than likely put one another through some real painful experiences in their earlier years together.
Some of these couples more than likely hated one another for awhile, had affairs on one another, or did some other terrible things to one another. If they didn’t create emotional turmoil for one another, many of the remaining couples more than likely went through periods of polite, yet quiet, indifference. However, their commitment held them together. There was enough between them to hold them together through their difficulties… they had some form of tools to cope with their hard times.
So many of us have grown tired of the difficulties in life. We have been spoiled as a result of our birth order in time… into a generation of those who, for the most part, got what they wanted. As a result, we’re willing to endure painful loneliness because we simply can’t get what we believe we’re entitled to have in life.
Yet, what we’re truly deserving of is love. If we do the work of healing our past wounds (and grow beyond our belief in unhealthy myths), more often than not, we’ll get the love that we have longed for and that we deserve.
If you still choose to believe in these myths, be careful what you wish for.
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